phew!

okay... my sigh of relief may be pre-emptive (word on the street is, it takes 6 months to truly declare yourself free), however, I am feeling much saner now. I was finally able to get a couch & I have done some decorating, so my house is starting to feel like home. It's a big relief, I now no longer always have that nagging feeling that I want to go home followed by the really sad feeling that I don't have one to go to. My landlord returned part of my security deposit & I think I'm just going to take that and move on with my life. I know that I should be fighting, that this was all quite unjust, but I don't want to look back there anymore. I like being happy, I like that my mind can be quiet now. I like that not crying has become a natural state. I want to forget this ever happened.

It will be a good long while before I stop being afraid (or maybe wisely cautious is the way to look at it) I really don't like used things anymore (including library books - they make me very nervous). I will certainly never accept used clothes or buy antique furnitre again - no way! When I visit people in apartment buildings, I break out in hives (I hope this goes away soon) and I have a really difficult time inviting people (and their stuff) into my home. As I understand it, the last one is normal & will eventually pass along with my desire to inspect every spot of lint or chipped paint with a high powered flashlight.

On the upside, I had always tried to live minimally but having attached so much sentimental value to my physical posessions they were difficult to get rid of. I no longer attach sentiment to things as I have learned the hard way that things can go away. I can now go into a closet without tripping over four years worth of Halloween costumes and twenty seven rolls of wrapping paper. It's a good feeling, let's hope I never have to earn it again - lol :D